From Caged to Limitless: My Journey Begins

Here’s the thing. I have been making massive changes in my life, and most of the changes initiated with a mental shift. Finally, after years of beating myself up – automatically beating myself up for everything I have ever done and not done – I have finally hit the STOP button; then I flipped the switch to “Live Your F***ing Life Already!” (Hmm…maybe another book title?)

I have held myself hostage for too long, I am finally free. I have broken out of prison, or rather, I have finally released myself. There is no point of keeping myself in prison – why, just so I can continue to have shelter, food, and some semblance of stability? What about this gift of life I have? Do I want the next 40 years to also be disappointing???

An internal revolution has taken place. I have gone through a massive overhaul. All my systems are being audited. The dictatorship of Frightened/Cautious Joanna has been overthrown. A new Joanna is in charge. She has always been around, but finally she has risen up, lead the charge, and is now the Fearless and Ambitious Leader of the collective.

I’ve been listening to a lot of self-development podcasts and reading a lot of books. I identify as a reader. I am a reader. As Jim Kwik states, leaders are readers. I am a leader, and I am a reader.

I have been listening and reading and applying the knowledge I am gathering immediately. I don’t want to waste any more time. The time is now. I want my life to change now. I want to experience the positive changes now. Now is all I have. I am not planning for my new life to happen in years – no! I am planning for my new life to happen in months, if not now. I am already experiencing changes.

For the first time in my life, I feel confident in myself and in my ability to change in a positive way. For the first time in my life, I trust myself. I trust myself to make informed decisions and to take deliberate and intentional actions towards making my desires come true.

Many of the things I think about and write about are things/ideas that have crossed my mind before, I just never grasped hold of them tightly enough. I am stronger now. I can grab hold and reap all the rewards that come with a good idea. I am ready to act despite feeling scared or doubtful or afraid. For now, I fully realize that to be courageous is to act/perform despite fear.

I recognize that the cage I have created myself is made with self-limiting beliefs. I know that I have worked tirelessly for years to create this cage and to strengthen its hold on me. It held me captive for years, but it’s over now. Now I am free. I have liberated myself. Now that I am free, I am limitless, I am unstoppable.

I don’t need time to “find” myself. I am already here, all of me. I was fragmented but I have put myself back together and the healing process has begun. I recognize how powerful I am because despite being caged, I managed to create a wonderful life for myself. I have a lot to be grateful for! First and foremost, I am grateful for my daughters: Aqua and Ocean. I am grateful for our health. I am grateful for my home – it’s clean, it’s safe, and affordable. I am grateful for my car. I am grateful for my great credit for allowing me to have a car. I am grateful for my siblings for being in my life and helping me raise my girls. I am grateful for Mason helping out. And I am grateful to George for responding to Aqua’s calls. I have so much more to be grateful for, and I promise myself that recognizing how blessed I am is a quotidian practice here to stay.

One of the most toxic practices I have imposed on myself is to set limits on my own dreams. I know now that my “realistic” dreams have indeed come true. I do believe that I once upon a time created a future of myself as a single mom with 2 kids from 2 different fathers living in an apartment making enough money to get by. I probably wrote about it and I will prove this to myself eventually. But the point is, I dreamt small and it came true. If I dreamt BIG it would have come true too! Here are my big dreams and goals:

1. I want to earn at least double what I am earning right now at my new job, that’s a minimum of $100k per year.
2. I want to buy my own home. A large 4 bedroom with 2.5 bathrooms. My room (the master bedroom) will have an ensuite bathroom. Each of my girls will have their own bedrooms decorated to their liking and the 4th bedroom will be a guest room for when my father and/or siblings come to visit. There will also be an office space on the main floor with large windows facing the street or backyard. There will be a finished basement with a family/rec room where most of the time Aqua and Ocean will hang out and invite their friends to hang out. There will also be a small space tucked in there for a home gym. My home gym will have a treadmill, elliptical, and recumbent bike; a functional trainer, squat rack, and other dumbbells and free weights. My backyard will include a deck where a barbeque will stay and a huge space for my girls to play around. I also want a porch, so I can sit out and drink my coffee and people-watch periodically. I want a garage with enough space for 2 cars. I want a red door. Brick house with a red door. I want it close enough to a running trail.
3. I want to be in a loving relationship. I want to get married. I want to have a wedding where my girls serve as flower girls. I want to meet my perfect match. I want to get married. It will be a small wedding, but I will get a chance to wear a white wedding dress. I’ll invite my family and small circle of friends to witness the occasion. We’ll have a reception where we’ll eat and dance the night away. It will be one of the best days of my life to feel so much love for someone that I want to publicly commit to be with them for the rest of my life. I want this loving relationship. I want this partner, this companion in my life, this confidant, this perfect complement to me and my life.
4. I want to learn ASL. I genuinely feel that I am meant to learn ASL. It’s been appearing everywhere in my life and it’s truly a language that I have ALWAYS been pulled towards, been enticed by, been attracted to, being desiring to learn. I’ve even taken ASL as an elective in university. I still have the book because I could never part with it. I keep bumping into ASL. I feel that the universe has been loud and clear, yet I have been ignoring it! I am ready now. I am listening. I am plugged in. I am making it part of my daily practice to learn ASL. The universe will deliver to me the person that will allow me to practice this language.
5. I want to write books. I want to tap into this self-development market. I have a story to tell that is worth shouting at the top of the mountains. I have overcome a lot and am discovering the lessons and wholeheartedly believe that sharing my story with everyone is part of the service I was meant to attend. This is part of my destiny. I have always wanted to be a writer. I think being a writer is one of the first occupations I have ever identified for myself. I’ve always wanted to be a writer. And secretly, I’ve never let this possibility die completely. Despite the doubts and self-limiting beliefs, I have always kept a little ember of hope alive for this dream of becoming a writer. Actually, I am already a writer, what I want is to be paid for my writing and to produce a book with my face on the cover.
6. I want to get paid for my writing! I WANT to get PAID lots of money for my writing. I need to get paid right now! I have so much that I have written over the years – so much great stuff. I am always amazed at the wisdom, the insights, the humour and the genius that flows through my head. I read back and I am in awe about myself.
7. I want to travel around the world with my girls and husband. I want to go to New York City, Disneyland, London, Rome, Tokyo, and Beijing.
8. Run the New York Marathon.

Amen