I just made an appointment for my first mammogram. Sure, I don’t have knowledge of my family history, and it’s honestly difficult to have knowledge of my family’s health because my extended family lives abroad in areas where health care is not as readily available as it is for me here. I do know that a lot of people die for “unknown” reasons, and folks even attribute supernatural beliefs (being poisoned, cursed by others, etc.) to some of these mysterious reasons. I’ve gotten to the point where I believe some of these mysterious deaths are undiagnosed medical conditions such as cancer.
I haven’t written about this in depth—and I won’t today—but my mother died of lung cancer, and she wasn’t diagnosed until a week before her death. She had a family doctor that constantly dismissed her, kept prescribing painkillers, and then eventually a specialist that still had no idea she had cancer until she was cut open in a surgery. Even without knowing what it was at the time, they had the gall/audacity to repeatedly tell us that it was 100% not cancer! So excuse me if I have no faith in doctors.
As I mentioned the other day, I already have concerns about my new doctor and his lack of genuine care, so I have to make sure that I take my health into my own hands. I didn’t even bother telling him about my desire to get a mammogram the other day because my appointment was already so rushed, and he was already trying to dismiss the other concerns I was reporting. Thankfully, I don’t need a doctor’s referral to get a mammogram.
Part of this adulting difficulty is that I really don’t know much about my body. I don’t know how to describe some of the sensations I feel. For weeks now, I’ve been wanting to get a mammogram because my breasts—especially the right side—felt weird, almost like a burning sensation. That’s the closest description I can provide right now. Also, a heaviness. My breasts don’t look any different, but I’m not even sure I can notice any subtle changes in appearance, and I certainly can’t feel any difference either. I hear that a lump can feel really small. I don’t know if I’d ever be able to feel a lump. I don’t trust myself to notice any difference in appearance or touch, and it’s been weighing on my mind so much—that’s why I’ve been wanting to get a mammogram.
Are there other women out there who can’t trust themselves to notice subtle changes in their bodies? Would you be able to feel a lump on your own? I’m single, so I have no other person touching my body right now, lol, so I’m all I have!
Anyways, my appointment is in two weeks, so hopefully everything will come back normal.
I need to learn how to trust myself. I don’t want to Google too much because it just heightens my anxiety. And I’m starting to see signs for getting a mammogram everywhere. I’m thinking the universe is pointing me to get it checked—but another part of me is also attributing this to my anxiety.
What to do. What to do…
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